An Open Letter to Those Who Do Not Understand Mormon Femnists

For many people, the phrase “Mormon feminist” is an oxymoron.  For others, it’s akin to heresy.  For me, it’s an identity.  It’s part of who I am.  Because so many people do not understand how it is possible to be both, and because I have read so many blog posts and Facebook comments recently expressing disdain and distaste for women who identify as Mormon feminists, I would like to explain what it means to me to be one.

First of all, let me say that my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not based on whether or not a woman prays in General Conference, or on what I wear to church, or on whether I will ever see my daughters pass the Sacrament.  Rather, my testimony is based on my understanding of the teachings of Christ and on the love I feel from Him in my life.  There are many things about which I feel comfortable saying “I believe”, but there are not many things about which I feel comfortable saying “I know”.  However, one thing I do know is that my Savior loves me.  I know He knows me personally, and I know He sees not only who I am now, but who I want to be.  When I am at my lowest He is there to lift me up and He gives me strength when I am weak.  Because I know He loves me, I also know that God loves me.

Many people who are opposed to feminism in the Church assume that what feminists are seeking is equal power – that all we want is the Priesthood.  It is true that there are women agitating for the opportunity to hold the Priesthood.  But this is only a small part of what feminists want, and it is not something that is wanted by all who identify as feminists.

Instead, what feminists want are equal rights.  We want to be acknowledged as important, and not just for our ability to give birth and to nurture children.  Yes, these are important qualities that women possess, but not all women will become mothers.  What, then, is their role in the Church?  What of the women who do not wish to be placed on pedestals and told that they are better than men, or more spiritual, or more righteous?  These are tokens, and they feel like a condescending pat on the head.  I do not wish to be better than any man, or any woman.  I only wish to be equal.

On April 6, a woman made history in the Church, and all she did was offer a prayer.  Of course, women pray all the time, even in public.  But this particular prayer closed the first session of the 183^rd annual General Conference of the Church.  And until that moment, no woman had ever been invited to offer a prayer in a general session of General Conference.  Why not?  No one really knows.  There is no clear reason, except that women had never prayed in Conference before.  Tradition.  A group joined together and wrote letters, requesting that a break in tradition be considered.  Amid outcry from members who did not understand why anyone cared, the letters were sent to Church headquarters in Salt Lake City.  According to the official Church spokesman, the decision regarding who would pray was made months before General Conference, so it seems likely that women (a woman prayed to open the concluding session of Conference on April 7) were already slated to pray before the letter-writing campaign even began.  However, I firmly believe that, regardless of when the decision was made, God heard the prayers of the people advocating for change and He answered them, in His own way and in His own time.

When Joseph Smith was a boy, God did not just appear to him and tell him to start a new church.  Even though I’d like to think that this was in His plans all along, it wasn’t until Joseph went to God in prayer and ASKED Him which church to join that God gave him the answer that he should not join any, but that God had a work for him to do.  In the scriptures we are told, over and over, to ask for help.  “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” -James 1:5.  “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”  -Matthew 21:22.  “Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” -3 Nephi 14:7.  And over and over and over.  God is pretty clear that He keeps the lines of communication open.  He welcomes our questions, and we are told that He will answer us.

Why, then, if we believe these words so strongly, and if we believe that God listened to the prayers of a 14-year-old farmboy, do we find it so hard to believe that God will listen to and answer the prayers of hundreds of women?  President Gordon B. Hinckley, Prophet and President of the Church from 1995-2008, was asked in an interview if he thought women could ever be given the Priesthood in the Church, if the current policies could ever change, and he answered, “Yes.  But there’s no agitation for that.”  That was in 1997, and perhaps there was no agitation then, but now, in 2013, there is.  I don’t think it’s such a leap to believe that it’s possible that things could change.  Who are we to claim to know and understand God’s plans?

I participated in the now infamous “Wear Pants to Church Day”.  I did this for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I felt it was important to stand up for those women who feel marginalized in the Church.  And whether or not anyone else THINKS women should feel that way does not change the fact that there are women who DO feel that way.  After Sacrament Meeting was over that day, I had a woman give me a hug and thank me for wearing pants.  I didn’t know before then that she felt that, but she needed someone to wear pants for her, and I’m glad I followed my heart and chose to do so.

It is wrong to tell others how to feel.  We are human; we cannot always control our emotions and our experiences.  We all come from different places in life, and things touch us in different ways.  What feels right to me will not feel right to everyone else.  There are many Mormon women who are perfectly comfortable with the way things are in the Church, and I applaud and genuinely congratulate them.  But there are also many Mormon women who do not.  For one reason or another, or for many reasons put together, we do not feel represented, understood, heard, or respected in the Church.  This is certainly not to say that we do not feel these things from God, but rather from the men who run the Church here on earth.  And this is why we have chosen to speak up and speak out.

I do not know whether women will ever hold the Priesthood in the LDS church.  I don’t even know if this matters to me or not – I haven’t figured that out yet.  But what does matter to me is that women have a place in the Church where they feel safe, loved, and understood.  Where they feel represented and respected.  Where they can share in worship and love without worrying that they will be turned away by other Church members for questioning tradition.  Because if the Gospel of Jesus Christ is about love, then why are those of us who do not fit into the traditional Mormon mold being shown so little love from our fellow Church members?

Please show us, your sisters, some love and respect.  Please make an effort to understand where we are coming from.  Please stop belittling us for feeling the way we do, even if you do not understand how or why we could feel that way.  Please do not make it harder for us to stay in the Church.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, even if His followers are not.  He welcomes our questions.  All we can ask is that, as His people, you do the same.  We need your love; please don’t turn us away.

Pants, part 2

I did it.  I wore pants to church.

Between Wednesday morning, when I made the decision to participate in Wear Pants to Church Day, and today, I've had a lot of time to think about this event, and what it truly means to me.

I did not expect the backlash that swelled around this event.  It seemed fairly innocuous to me, a great way to make a statement without really making a statement.  As people have said over and over, on both sides of the argument, it's not about what we wear to church, it's about what's in our hearts.  But for most Mormons, dressing up for church is a very important sign of respect for our Father in Heaven, and a way to separate Sunday, our Sabbath Day, from the rest of the week.  And I completely agree with this.

But I also agree with the many Mormon women who feel that the scales are out of balance when it comes to men and women in the Church.  I listed a few reasons for this in my original post on pants, but since I wrote that I found this excellent post, which lists more, many of which resonate with me.  Knowing there are women who feel like they do not have a voice or a place in this church that they so fully believe strengthened my resolve to participate in the event, to wear pants to church today, not to protest the "dress code", but to show solidarity and support for women everywhere in the Church.

I've had one prayer in my heart constantly over the past several days: that the Lord would help me to have my heart in the right place today as I went to church in my gray slacks, and that he would help me to be able to touch at least one person in the way that they needed.  I told Him that I didn't even need to know about it, but I asked Him to just let me be a light to someone today.

As far as I could tell, I was the only woman in pants in my ward today.  Chris wore his new purple tie (purple being the color historically associated with the suffragette movement and the suggested way for men to participate), and Vicki wore her black gaucho-style pants, which she unashamedly wears to church on a regular basis (despite admitting to me that she has gotten some strange looks and a few questions).  I know people noticed my pants as I walked in, but no one said anything, and I didn't feel any animosity.  I often sing with the choir on short notice, and I was asked to join them today, but I respectfully declined because I didn't want to draw attention to myself when I'd already made it clear that I wouldn't be "parading my pants down the aisle" (although the reason I gave the choir director was that I didn't know the song, which is also true).  It was a very pleasant meeting with two wonderful talks on keeping Christ in Christmas, and I felt comfortable (both spiritually and emotionally as well as physically) and content.

And after the meeting was over, as I was standing up ready to leave, a lady that I've always admired came up to me, gave me a hug, and said she agreed with everything I'd written on my blog and wanted to let me know that she'd have worn pants if she'd had any that were appropriate.

So today I'm thankful that I chose to wear my pants.  I'm thankful for an answer to a prayer, for the opportunity to be a light, and for the strength to stand up for what I believe is good and right.

Pants

The idea of dressing up for worship is an old one, and a common one in most Christian churches, though more and more churches these days have adopted a come-as-you-are attitude that encourages people to come to church with a focus on worship and not on the dress of those around them.  I have no problem with this, because I’m most comfortable in jeans and t-shirts every day of the week.

However, I also really love the idea of dressing our best for the Lord.  As someone who wears jeans and t-shirts every day of the week, I enjoy making a distinction on the day that is set aside for worship.  Sunday is a special day, separate from the rest of the week, and when I put on my “Sunday best”, it’s helping me to make that distinction.

I own a very nice pair of gray slacks.  I bought them years ago to wear to work, and I pull them out every once in a great while now that I no longer have a job that requires business casual attire.  I also own a denim skirt, which is very clearly denim (in other words, not so dark it could be mistaken for navy cotton).  It is socially acceptable (within the Church) for me to wear my denim skirt to church, but not my gray slacks.  Why is this?  If we are supposed to wear our very best for the Lord, why is it acceptable for me to wear something that would be rejected at most jobs that require people to dress up (for example, can you imagine a female senator or governor showing up for work in a denim skirt?), but it is not acceptable for me to wear pants that are much more dressy?

A group of women have organized this Sunday, December 16, as “Wear Pants to Church Day”.  They are encouraging women to take this tiny baby step toward a little more equality in the Church and wear “...not jeans, or sweats, or yoga pants, but dress pants. Tailored suits and flowing shalwars and holiday-appropriate black velvet. Pants that are modest, elegant, and feminine, and not at all out of place in a church house (not that we think you need to be any of those things to worship God!).”

Their purpose for this event?  “…to give voice to and express support for women who don’t conform to traditional gender roles and those who seek gender equality in the LDS church.”  There are those of us out there who, for whatever reason, don’t fit in to the traditional gender roles defined by the Church.  Women who feel uncomfortable at church.  Some may still continue to attend, some may not.  Everyone has their struggles, and until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, it’s wrong to judge them.

I guess now is a good time for me to come out and say it: I am a feminist.

I’m also a Mormon.  It’s kind of an awkward place to be.

Now, before folks go getting all riled up, I’d like to address the term “feminist”.  See, there are certain individuals out there with a public presence who try to silence women, especially strong women, by distorting the message of feminism, and calling us belittling names like “femi-nazi”.  We are not demanding to be the same as men.  We are not trying to take rights away from men, or to make the world entirely gender-neutral.  I’m proud to be a woman and happy to be different from men.  What I’m hoping for, and praying for, is the equality that should be extended to all of God’s children, regardless of race, religion, or gender - the equality that is lacking in so many places and points of view.  As Sandra Ford said in her recent post on Feminist Mormon Housewives:

"We envision a world where we can participate fully in our religion, where we are afforded the same opportunities as our fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons: a place where programs for girls receive funding on par programs for boys; a place where young women are encouraged to serve missions on the same terms as young men; a place where women can finish their schooling without being criticized for putting off marriage and pursue careers without being condemned for abandoning the home; a place where mothers can bless their sick children and preside alongside their husbands in the home; a place where our spiritual progress is based on our worth as individuals, rather than on our relationships to the men around us."

I like being a woman; I don’t want to be a man.  I don’t want to be better than the men around me.  I don’t want to have more than them, or be above them in any way.  I simply want to be equal.

I consider us a feminist family.  Ask Chris; he’ll say the same.  (In fact, sometimes I think he’s more of a feminist than I am.)  With three daughters, it’s important to both of us that they grow up to be strong, independent women, that they are sure of themselves and comfortable with who they are. 

This is not about the Priesthood.  Over and over in the Church, women are placed second to men.  The budget for youth programs for girls is much smaller than it is for boys (the Young Men and Young Women programs generally have the same budget, but the Scouts often have an additional, separate budget even though they fund the same boys; Cub Scouts get a rather large portion of the Primary budget, but the Activity Days girls don’t generally get a budget at all).  I was fortunate enough to grow up in a part of the world where the Boy Scout program was not part of the youth program at church, so our activities were pretty similar, but I dread the day when Vicki, who would spend all summer at camp if we let her, realizes how many camping trips the boys take and how much more money is spent on them compared to the girls.  This is one reason why we will continue with the Girl Scout program in addition to the Church programs, at least as long as our girls want to.  Women do not give the prayers in General Conference, though two or three may speak over the course of the four general sessions.  The Priesthood session takes place the same weekend as the general sessions, twice a year, but the sessions that are specific to women take place the weekend before, are referred to as “broadcasts” rather than “sessions”, and alternate between the Relief Society in the fall and the Young Women in the spring.  Women are not called to positions such as Ward Clerk or Sunday School President, even though neither of those callings is a Priesthood position.

The fact that women do not hold the Priesthood in our church is not why I will be wearing pants to church on Sunday.   Maybe women will hold the Priesthood one day, maybe they won’t.  But I hope one day my daughters will be able to walk into church in a nice pair of slacks, maybe chat with the people in the next pew about the beautiful prayer Sister So-and-so gave last week in General Conference, and then send their daughters off to Young Women, where they’ll make plans for their next camping trip.

I believe in a loving Savior who knows me as an individual and loves me for who I am and who I want to become.   He knows my strengths and my weaknesses, and, most importantly, He knows my heart.  His Gospel is a gospel of love, of understanding, of forgiveness and mercy.  When I show up in Church on Sunday in my gray slacks, I believe He will understand why I am wearing them, and He will be proud of me.

A Common Word - Thoughts on September 11

Eleven years ago, I was watching Sesame Street with my then 10-month-old baby girl.  When the show ended, I flipped the channel over, hoping to find something a little more grown up to watch.  What I found instead changed the world forever.

I thank God that I was not personally affected by the events that took place on September 11, 2001.  I was living in Salt Lake City, surrounded by all my family.  I didn't know a single person in New York City or Pennsylvania, and the closest friend I had to Washington D.C. was a teacher in Northern Virginia.  Everyone I knew and loved was safe.

Even then, though, I still felt pain.  Pain, shock, horror, and disbelief at what was done to my country, to my fellow men.  I also felt overwhelmed at the response of so many, both by Americans and by people from so many other nations.  I remember seeing American flags proudly wave from homes, cars, and buildings all over the world.  I remember hearing "I'm Proud to be an American" (a song that, as a former expatriate, already had a dear place in my heart) play over and over on the radio.  Most of all, I remember the amazing sense of kinship I felt with all my fellow Americans.  Everyone came together to stand united in the face of such tragedy.  That feeling of unity is something I will always treasure, a beautiful rose risen among the ugly thorns of terror.

I wrote the following post in March of 2009, and I've reposted it on 9/11 once before, but I feel it is appropriate to post it again today.  Enjoy.

A few months ago I read a book called The Faith Club. It was written by three women – a Muslim, a Christian, and a Jew – who met together in the wake of 9/11 to discuss their beliefs and to try to come to an understanding of each other. It was fascinating to follow the journey each of them made as they learned and reached out to each other. What on the surface seemed like a simple thing – a social gathering, a time to build friendships and learn a little from each other – became a turning point for all three as they struggled not only to understand the beliefs of the other two women but also to gain a deeper understanding and testimony of their own as they were challenged in ways they had never been before. It was inspiring. I have a friend who is an Orthodox Jew, and we’ve discussed our religions, and their similarities and differences. Reading this book made me wish I knew a Muslim woman, too, so I could start my own faith club. Of course, I’d probably include another Christian, of the more mainstream variety (I already have one in mind!), since Mormonism is different enough to warrant some discussion there as well.

Anyway, since reading this book, I have had such a desire to come to an understanding with people of different faiths. I’m not looking to agree with them, or have them agree with me. I just want to understand and find common ground. All three of these major world religions come from the same beginning. We are all Abraham’s seed. There are major doctrinal differences, things that will probably never be agreed upon, but we all pray to the same God, whether we call Him by the same name or not.

This brings me to the purpose of this post. Lately I have noticed that a lot of Christians (Mormons included) still seem to harbor ill will towards followers of Islam. The more I see or hear of this, the more it upsets me. I’ve been having a hard time sitting by quietly and allowing these things to go unchallenged. I suppose I can understand the sentiment behind the mindset; after all, terrible things have been done in this world in the name of Islam. However, I firmly believe that these things are being done by people who either do not fully understand the true message of their religion, or who chose to follow only select words, without giving heed to the full meaning in conjunction with the rest of their religious beliefs. I am no expert on Islam, and cannot even claim to be an expert on Christianity or Mormonism, but I do believe that none of these faiths condone the things that are being done in the world today in the name of God. It makes me sad to see the way all of Islam is being lumped together as a religion that tolerates, supports, and even encourages violent acts.

The truth is that, just like there are different sects of Christianity who hold to different sets of doctrine, there is a small portion of Muslims who believe it is the will of God that they engage in jihad, or holy war, against other nations. But this is not true of the majority of Muslims. It amazes me how we Christians are so willing to believe this misleading information when there is so much out there that gives incorrect “facts” about our own beliefs. There are websites dedicated to informing the world that all Mormons are polygamists and all of Mormonism is of the devil, in the same way that there are sites that would have the world believe that all Muslims are jihadists and that all Islam is evil. They’re out there; we’ve all seen them at some point, and when they’re about our own beliefs we’ve all been disgusted and outraged that anyone could be so misinformed and disrespectful about something we hold sacred. Why, then, can we be so willing to believe things about other religions without doing unbiased research. Ah, the appeal of a Faith Club…

I have been bothered by this for awhile now, feeling like I should say something to stand up for a people, who, in my experience and study, I have come to believe are generally kind and peace-loving, but I haven’t known how to go about it. Until yesterday, that is, when I read this article in The Oregonian. It talked about an open letter to Christians written and endorsed by many Muslim leaders. This letter, titled “A Common Word Between Us”, calls for an understanding between Muslims and Christians, using passages from both the Qur’an and the Bible to make its point. It establishes the fact that the two greatest commandments in both Islam and Christianity are to love God above all else and then to love your neighbors – all your neighbors. Who can argue with that? And, given that, who can really believe that Islam teaches unprovoked war with others?

I’m not writing this to start anything. I’m not necessarily even looking for comments this time (although they’re always welcome!) This is just something that has been on my mind for a long time, and I finally found a way to bring it together and put my thoughts and feelings down in print. I have a great love for my Father in Heaven, and for the faith that has led me to that love. But I also have a great respect for those who are strong in their own faith, even though it may not agree with mine. I want to learn as much as I can about those faiths so that I can understand my fellow men, and grow to love them as my neighbors. Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, I strongly encourage everyone who reads this to take a look at the Common Word website, and to take some time to think a little bit about loving our God and loving our neighbors, and allowing all men the privilege to worship how, where, or what they may.

I will leave you with the concluding paragraph of “A Common Word”:

So let our differences not cause hatred and strife between us. Let us vie with each other only in righteousness and good works. Let us respect each other, be fair, just and kind to another and live in sincere peace, harmony and mutual goodwill.

Doing Our Part

When a person is diagnosed with a physical illness, more often than not they are immediately showered with sympathy, love, and support.

When a person is diagnosed with a mental illness, more often than not they are immediately abandoned by the same people who would have supported them through a physical illness.

This is so very, very wrong.

Thank goodness for the National Alliance on Mental Illness.  NAMI is the largest education, support, and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all those whose lives are touched by mental illness.  This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers.

Five years ago someone I love dearly was diagnosed with a mental illness.  Fortunately, he is one of the lucky ones who has a family that is educated and supportive, thanks in part to NAMI.  Though it has definitely been a bumpy road, this loved one is currently doing well, but it is a battle he fights every day, and admire him for it.

Last year I discovered NAMIWalks.  This year's Portland walk is on May 20, and our family is excited to participate!  Last year I walked alone, but this year Chris and the girls are joining me.  This is something that we, as a family, can do to help raise awareness for this amazing organization, and to help fight the stigma that, honestly, should no longer be surrounding mental illness.  We are also hoping to raise a little money for the organization.

If you feel inclined or inspired to support us in this event, please visit our walker web page, where you will find a safe, easy, and secure way to donate to the cause.  Every little bit helps.

If you are interested in joining us, we'd love to add to our numbers!  You can also find information on our web page about signing up as a walker yourself.  If you're far from Portland but are still interested in walking, you can find information about NAMIWalks nationwide right here.

It's time to get rid of the stigma and realize that people with mental illness deserve the same respect and right to treatment as those with physical illnesses.

We're doing what we can to help out.  Will you help, too?